"What you have once enjoyed you can never lose... All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."- Helen Keller

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Reflection For Mother's Day

I remember being in the hospital after having Royce. I looked at my brother with teary eyes and a broken heart and asked him if I am a Mother. How can I be a mother when the child I am supposed to be a mother too has been taken from this Earth too soon? He found this poem for me. What an amazing poem that truly captures the words of my heart. I wanted to start off with this poem that gives reassurance to those of us who have lost a child, that we are and forever will our child's mommy.

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!"

I wanted to do things a little backwards. Usually on Mother's Day the child tells his or her mother how much she means to them. I wanted to thank Royce for making me a mother by writing a letter to him to tell him how thankful for him I am on Mother's Day.

The day I knew you were forming inside my womb, I instantly fell in love
What a precious gift, an angel,formed perfectly from above
Each and every day I felt more and more in awe
Of God's little blessing, that soon would call me "ma"
The day you were born, oh did the trumpets play and the angels sing
They were welcoming my precious Royce, whose name means "son of the king"
I never knew or could imagine how soon you would depart
But I knew instantly how much I loved you, right from the very start
Royce, you made me a mommy and are my special son
You fill my thoughts and capture my heart until each day is done
I can't wait till the day when I will see you again face to face
I will cradle you in my arms and my tears will be erased
Until then sweet boy, let the angels sing you lullabies and Jesus rock you to sleep
And I will carry you through everyday of my life, a mother's promise, I will always keep

I love you Royce. Thank you for changing my entire world. I am so lucky to have an angel as a son. Love you.

This Mother's Day will be hard when I remember my son who is not here with me, but I am also grateful and thankful for the blessing of my baby girl that is on the way. God's mercies are new every morning, and I am grateful for the two children he has blessed me with. I love them both so much and am glad to be their mommy. God bless this baby girl growing inside me and shower Royce with love, as I think of both of them this Mother's Day.  Mom and Dad love you so much.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

As I sit here staring at my computer screen, waiting for the right words to pour out of my mouth, I am left speechless. What words can I write that would truly capture the raw emotions of my heart. It has taken me months to be able to write about the emotion that fills my innermost being. The day that I found out I was going to be a mommy, Valentines Day 2011, was one of the happiest moments of my entire life. It was no longer just the two of us, but one special little man was to join our family. The anticipation, the showers, designing the nursery, feeling him move and grow inside me were all milestones that I will treasure always. The day my son Royce was born was the happiest and saddest day of my entire life. I was overjoyed with the incredible love that I had for my precious boy, yet I was having to say good-bye at the same time. How does one do that? To juggle the extreme emotion of meeting your sweet child, then facing the reality you have to say goodbye. It is truly unimaginable. Would I do it all over again, just to share those sacred, blessed moments with my son. Definitely. I would do it all again for my son. A friend of mine once told me when I asked him teary eyed, and broken hearted, " What was my purpose, just to have him and then to have to let him go?" He responded, "Ashley, if it were not for you and Sean, Royce would have never came into existence in the prescience of God. You were his vessel to get to heaven". That has stuck with me each and every day. Though I feel I could not do a lot for Royce while he was hereon Earth, I know that I helped give him the greatest gift of all, life with our eternal king. Which is so fitting when I think of the meaning of Royce's name, "Royal one, or King." This journey is a difficult one. There is no steady path, no manual to follow, but I do know that any opportunity I have given to talk about my sweet Royce I will embrace it. I pray that I can reach out to other families who have felt this same loss, and touch their lives in ways that others have touched mine. I know that God sent Royce for a purpose, and I will make it my daily vow to make sure that I bring my son and God great glory in the way I live my life. Life is short, embrace it, and live each day to the fullest. A lesson that I have come to know too well, but has truly sculpted the framework of my life to come.