"What you have once enjoyed you can never lose... All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."- Helen Keller

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

As I sit here staring at my computer screen, waiting for the right words to pour out of my mouth, I am left speechless. What words can I write that would truly capture the raw emotions of my heart. It has taken me months to be able to write about the emotion that fills my innermost being. The day that I found out I was going to be a mommy, Valentines Day 2011, was one of the happiest moments of my entire life. It was no longer just the two of us, but one special little man was to join our family. The anticipation, the showers, designing the nursery, feeling him move and grow inside me were all milestones that I will treasure always. The day my son Royce was born was the happiest and saddest day of my entire life. I was overjoyed with the incredible love that I had for my precious boy, yet I was having to say good-bye at the same time. How does one do that? To juggle the extreme emotion of meeting your sweet child, then facing the reality you have to say goodbye. It is truly unimaginable. Would I do it all over again, just to share those sacred, blessed moments with my son. Definitely. I would do it all again for my son. A friend of mine once told me when I asked him teary eyed, and broken hearted, " What was my purpose, just to have him and then to have to let him go?" He responded, "Ashley, if it were not for you and Sean, Royce would have never came into existence in the prescience of God. You were his vessel to get to heaven". That has stuck with me each and every day. Though I feel I could not do a lot for Royce while he was hereon Earth, I know that I helped give him the greatest gift of all, life with our eternal king. Which is so fitting when I think of the meaning of Royce's name, "Royal one, or King." This journey is a difficult one. There is no steady path, no manual to follow, but I do know that any opportunity I have given to talk about my sweet Royce I will embrace it. I pray that I can reach out to other families who have felt this same loss, and touch their lives in ways that others have touched mine. I know that God sent Royce for a purpose, and I will make it my daily vow to make sure that I bring my son and God great glory in the way I live my life. Life is short, embrace it, and live each day to the fullest. A lesson that I have come to know too well, but has truly sculpted the framework of my life to come.